That's such a wonderful sentence isn't it? Twelve simple words with such a powerful message. Twelve words. Matthew says here in one sentence that if our hearts remain pure we hold favor in God's eyes. How awesome is that?! How amazing is that?! How wonderful...and how soo HARD it is to do that?!?! According to the New Webster dictionary the definition of purity is "freedom from sin or guilt; innocence; chastity; cleanliness; freedom from immorality, especially of a sexual nature." Unfortunately I can't really relate to any of those words, but it's so exciting for me to know that with God's forgiveness and mercy I can be washed clean, white as snow! I can be pure again.
I have always struggled with purity. Since I can remember being able to dress myself and buy my own clothes I've dressed fairly promiscuously. It was just clothes at the beginning. I was searching for some kind of attention and I got it. I got a lot of it and although it wasn't usually from the people I wanted to get it from, I thrived in it. I wanted more. Maybe if I just pull this down a little farther or maybe if I just make this a little shorter...it was fun. I'm not going to sit here and write that it wasn't fun. At the beginning it was fun and exciting. I knew that no matter where I went I was making an impression. I could walk into a restaurant with the hottest girl in the place but they were gonna look at me, not her. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to tell you the color of my eyes though, or my favorite book. Would they even care?
When I got to college I started living the lifestyle that the clothes I was wearing represented. Sex, drugs, and rock & roll pretty much sums it up if I'm being honest. I was good at being that person...it's all I knew how to be at that time. I got some sort of sick thrill out of being "the other woman" on multiple occasions. I loved being the sexy one, the vixen. I did secretly wish that someone would want me for my heart, for me. I wished that someone would want to take me home to mom and be proud. Since that never happened and I didn't think it would, I sank deeper into my depression and with that came some pretty scary experiences. I became that person because I didn't know how to be anything else. It became comfortable to me. It's who I was. Sleeping with someone "just because" was really no big deal to me at this time. He liked me, I liked him so why not? That was my mentality at this point. I wasn't protecting my body, much less my heart.
I could go on and on about specific experiences that made me who I am today and made me want to do this but that's not the point. The main point is that I have been saved and delivered by Christ Jesus on several occasions and He keeps saving me over and over again. Do you understand that? He keeps saving me over and over again. I don't deserve it, I didn't do anything good or righteous to deserve it. Yet, He's still there. He's always been there. I have this vision in my head of Jesus turning his head away in shame, with tears streaming down His face...but yet there's one arm stretched out, one nail scarred hand wide open. Just waiting for me to grab ahold and trust in Him. I see that in my dreams sometimes. I know I hurt Him just like I hurt my family. It breaks my heart to think back on all the times I disappointed Him and all the times I continue to disappoint Him. I'm ready to take His hand. I can't do it on my own.
I have grown and matured so much over the last two years and although I'm not being promiscuous anymore, I'm definitely not where I need to be, where I want to be. It's still a constant struggle for me with men. My picker is definitely off! I'm ready to hand over the reigns to the One who knows me better than I know myself. He knows my struggle but He knows my heart too. After all He did create it :) I am ready to seek God. I am finally ready to hear God. I'm so excited for this amazing new chapter in my life to start but with that comes a lot of nervousness and doubt as well. I pray that the Lord will see me through this journey. I have such a wonderful support system in my family and friends and with them I need true, honest accountability.
I've decided to change the way I think, the way I dress, the way I act. I, Cori Cannon, am pursuing a pure lifestyle! The way the Lord intended a Godly woman to be. For accountability purposes, I'm going to post a picture of myself every day...don't judge me on the rough hair days! I'm so ready to show the Lord what I'm capable of. I can't wait for Him to be proud of me again.
Some of you may know that I really feel called to go into counseling and am pursuing a career in that starting this coming January. I've heard it preached a million times that our biggest struggle in life is usually what we are called to. I'm so happy to have found mine! I can't wait to sell out arenas of beautiful young girls who are searching for some answers. I know that if I continue to follow the Lord and listen to Him in every aspect of my life that WILL happen. It's part of my story, I know it is. I'm more than happy with being the illustrator and not the author :)
"Life is short. Time is fleeting. Realize the Self. Purity of the heart is the gateway to God. Aspire. Renounce. Meditate. Be good; do good. Be kind; be compassionate. Inquire; know Thyself."
Swami Sivananda
Indian yoga master, physician, monk, and founder of the Divine Life Society 1887-1963
This is amazing!! I cried. YOU are beautiful, and there's so much more to your beauty than sexuality. I am incredibly proud of you, especially that you had the courage to post this publicly. You have no idea where your influence might reach from here! I am always praying for you.
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